Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Chick Who Stalked Me Because She Liked My Blog

Diary Entry – 53

The girl in the story will be referred to as a chick and not a girl because it annoys her greatly to be called that.

In December 2011, a Mallu chick happened to find my blog and ended up liking it so much that she read every single post that I ever wrote. But there would have been nothing unusual about her if she did not find me on facebook with nothing other than my blog to begin with.
It is impossible for you to know who I am because I have gone over the top about making myself anonymous in my blog. When I started my blog, the blog’s URL and my blogger user name had my real name in it. I was really narcissistic back in the old days but I quickly realized that the only way I could write about someone without getting death threats the next day, was to go anonymous. So I got a new domain, changed my user name and stopped publicizing my blog with friends. I also went on to delete the replies I had given to the thousand odd comments that I had received in my blog. I did this because the username that came up in my replies to comments had my real name. So if you really like my blog and intend to see the cute face behind all the glorious writing, it would be impossible. In fact I would like to  announce a contest. You can win an iPhone if you successfully stalk me and find what my real name is. People who already know me unfortunately cannot win an iPhone even though they do deserve to be congratulated for knowing me.

Anyway, this mallu chick who had done the impossible had sent me a friend request on facebook. When I receive friend’s requests from strangers, I don’t add or reject them (especially if they are from women). I just keep their request there because they increase my facebook follower count. Yes my life is quite sad. I have 29 facebook followers at the moment and I aspire to equal Zuckerberg who has a follower count of 17 million. But when my stalker friend sent me a friend's request, I added her because I thought it was my blogging pal who happened to have the same name. Also my stalker’s home town was Thrissur. Who doesn't like a Thrissur chick? We ended up speaking like we had known each other forever. At least I thought she was my blogging friend who I had been emailing for quite sometime. I don’t know what she was thinking.

After a few weeks of talking I found out that she was not the person who I thought she was, because the person I thought she was, was emailing me the exact same time I was talking to her. I felt like how my vegetarian friend felt when he had chicken thinking it was a potato. I was very angry and wanted an explanation but she played dumb and said she was sorry. I wanted to unfriend her then and there. But she was a Thrissur chick and that is what made me blind in the first place. My mother always wondered why I tell her I want to get married, every time I went to Guruvayur (a temple in Thrissur). It is because a Thrissur girl’s Malayalam can turn any Mallu guy on. If you think mallus are hot, chances are you are talking about a Thrissur chick. But my stalker was far from hot in her facebook pictures. The sad part about  stalkers is that they are never the super models that you want them to be. Anyway we didn’t want one of those pseudo internet friendships and decided to meet on 19th Febuary 2012. Boy did she live up to the name of a Thrissur chick. She was nothing like her pictures but what really made her hot must have been her Malayalam and her mallu English. She remembers anniversaries and sort of wished me happy anniversary today, for successfully knowing each other for a year. So I thought I would write this as a tribute to her and all my blog fans and followers who help keep my blog alive. If not for you, this blog will not exist. I was not the most regular of bloggers last year where my blog only saw 8 new posts. However only good things have come out of this blog and this year I decided to make a new years resolution to blog every Sunday. It’s almost two months now and I am still sticking with my resolution, though it has changed from posting every Sunday to posting every week. I am going to say the dharma (principle) of my resolution is up held and that is all that matters in the end.

Bloggers, go follow Talitha who gave me a blog award recently without knowing I treat them like how Amir Khan treats his awards. She is a member of the X-Men and her mutant ability is her power to read every single post of yours within 24 hours of  posting (assuming your blog posts are as awesome as mine).

Monday, February 11, 2013

A Feminist Irony

Diary Entry – 52

My friend, who was preparing for the GRE, once came and told me he was left aghast when he saw his sister’s face. She had come home from Bangalore and he intended to tell me that he was surprised to see her. But when he told me he was left aghast when he saw her face, I assumed she got a plastic surgery or met with some kind of major accident which left her face severely disfigured.

Misusing English words is not a problem common to only GRE aspirants. This world is full of people who use the word irony to appear intelligent. It is not really a bad thing, if they didn’t massacre it. I remember the time when this Chinese girl from my class happened to meet me three times in three different places on the same day. The third time she met me she said, “Isn’t this ironic. We are meeting for the third time on the same day.” It almost felt like she was accusing me of stalking her. Some of you reading this will have no clue why using the word “irony” is wrong in this context. Let me explain. Let’s say you had a sweet tasting vanilla ice cream which had a cherry and a few peanut flakes on top of it. You eat it with great joy until you start falling terribly sick, which is when you realize that you are allergic to peanuts. In order to get better, you go to get medicines for your allergy. But on the way you get hit by a giant truck and you die on the spot. This is not irony. Even if this truck was carrying peanuts (the thing that you are allergic to), it is not irony. It would just be a coincidence. If however the truck was carrying medicines for your peanut allergy, then that my friend is some bitter irony. Most people however would call it irony even if you got hit by a garbage truck. Now that you know how the word irony is used, you can haunt all those people who find your death ironic.

The other word which happens to be severely misused is the word “feminist”. A feminist is an activist who strives to establish equal opportunities for women socially. They usually strive for protecting women against discrimination in education and in employment. It still happens in our country and there are some women out there who think feminism is bad. If you are a woman who think feminism is bad, you might as well move to a country like Saudi Arabia right now. Most people just assume that a feminist is a lady who likes to dominate men and who think women should rule over the world. People who think that, often get confused when they see a male feminist. Women who enjoy dominating men are called Dominatrix and if I try to explain what a Dominatrix does, my blog will start getting kinky. The point I am trying to make is that don’t try to offend someone by calling them a feminist. Feminism is a good thing, unless you are threatened by woman empowerment. I know Mayawathi and Jayalalitha might concern a lot of men and women, but I assure you that feminism is not about empowering these kinds of women.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Why I Don't Hook People Up

Diary Entry - 51

Every now and then a guy comes and says, "intro kudu machi." (Introduce me to her dude.)  When I refuse to help them out, they think I am afraid of them stealing my thunder. Little do they realize that I am doing them all a big favor and have their best interests at heart.

You might have seen pictures and memes making jokes about women’s idiosyncrasies. My friend Jessie served as an inspiration for all those pictures. Of course her name is not Jessie. For the sake of anonymity, I picked the name Jessie which happened to be the name of the female lead of Jessie’s favorite Tamil movie Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa. For those of you who have not heard of this movie, it shares a key similarity with Twilight by having an unusual number of delusional teenage girls in its fan base. Fortunately though, unlike twilight they decided to end things with one movie instead of making a whole series.

Some people wrongly think Jessie is my girlfriend. What she really is, is a pain in the a**. She is a part time model and has a reasonable amount of intelligence that fetch her good grades in college. She is someone you would call beauty makeup with brains. Most men including my own male buddies are actively pursuing her on Facebook for reasons unknown to me. Jessie however doesn’t add men she doesn't know. The other day, a friend of mine came to me and said, “Dude I got rejected.” At first I thought his masters’ application got turned down. But he went on to ask me to give him a recommendation. I politely told him he needed to ask his department’s dean for that, as recommendations from me won’t be valid. For that he replied, “That old man doesn't know Jessie.” He was talking about Jessie rejecting his Facebook friend request and he wanted me to give him a recommendation to get accepted. What has the world come to?

I don’t usually hook men up with my female friends but I didn’t want anybody to think Jessie was my girlfriend, so I made no fuss. So that is how Jessie added this guy on Facebook and she did it from my very own laptop. She sent him a hi and he was on fire. He was typing so much and he was doing it so fast that if he wrote a book with that speed, he might have finished it in an hour. Jessie however is very adept in conversing with monosyllables and how long her replies were depended on how many mS she chose to put in her hmmmm.

Jessie didn’t waste her time engaging in idle chat with men. She had more important things to do like stalk people’s profiles. She stalked both men and women without discrimination. She will like every picture in a girls profile but when it came to guys, she had this "I don't give likes to guys photo" policy. Apparently liking pictures where there are men in it will create some sort of controversy in her life. Only when she was about to log out did she notice the chat window of the poor guy I gave recommendation to. She said  “hmmm. K da. wil talk 2 u later” and she logged out. That was the longest reply she had given him.