Monday, May 23, 2011

Alone in Banglore

Diary Entry 4


Act I Scene I


Friend: Macha the chicks in banglore are world class da.

Me: Dai! I am going there to write my GRE, not get laid.

Friend: Well if you do well then they will help you celebrate and if you do badly then they will help you cheer up.

Me: Avalo Mass ah da?

Friend: They will exceed all expectations.

Me: Hope I dont get distracted then :D

Friend: Make sure you go to Lal Bagh Garden da. People will be doing it in the bushes.

Me: OH MY GOD!!! They have places like that in India???

Act I Scene II

Me: Hey Man! How do I go to Jayanagar in Banglore.

Banglorian: You can get a prepaid auto near the station and they will take you where you want.

Me: Ok. Thats really convenient. How do I get back though?

Banglorian: You can take a auto again. Remember its not like Tamil Nadu, they will put meter. If they dont, ask them to put or dont get in.

Me: Hmmm Seri da. They will understand tamil le?

Banglorian: What ever you do, NEVER talk in tamil. If they know you are a tamil guy you will be lucky to get back alive.

Me: What? How the hell should I talk then?

Banglorian: Manage somehow with hindi and english da. But try not to talk in tamil....

Me: Hindi ah?? :(

The only subject I have ever failed in, in my life so far is Hindi. I failed all the hindi exams in 6th grade. I simply couldnt get it.

                                 ACT II

Act II Scene I


Me: Bai Jayanagar 5th cross chalo.

Autoriksha : Ok saab

Me: Pai Viceroy hotel.

Autoriksha: Kya?

Me: Paaaai Viceroy hotel.

We arrive at the street. Half an hour passes and still we cant find the hotel. Auto riksha driver has figured out I dont know hindi. He abuses me in kannada. Phone rings...

Me: AMMA! Cant you have picked a hotel that people know.

Mom: Ed da its a good hotel.

Me: I dont really care if its good at the moment. We have been going around in circles and we cant
find it. You will be lucky if the auto riksha guy doesnt slaughter your son.

Auto riksha stops. I look at the guy to see if he was going to attack me. He points outside. (What! He is ditching me in the middle of the road?). I get down feeling hopeless and then I see he actually managed to get me to the hotel. I was so happy that i tipped him 30 Ruppes extra.

Act II Scene II

I step into the hotel and the guy in the reception insisted that I take my back pack off. Another guy takes it and leads the way to the room. Hmmm the hotel looks fancy. I enter the room. I freeze. (See Picture for the entrance of the hotel)


Amma: Oh! Is it like the place we went the last time for vacation with?

Me: I dont care how much you paid for this, but did you know that I came here to write an exam and
not for a vacation?

Amma: I just wanted you to feel comfortable before you wrote the exam.

Me: I dont need a jacuzzi to feel comfortable before the exam. Hell I dont even know what to do with it...

Amma: Just freshen up and go have breakfast.

Me: ......

Act II Scene III

I was out of the hotel and now I had to find my way to the exam center. The guy at the reception tells me that its only a couple of blocks away and so I can walk. Great I think....

Me: Sir Everron Systems? Sri Lakshmi Complex?

Stranger: Which Block?

Me: Third Block sir.

Stranger: This is third block

Me: (I know that already. Sheesh can you tell me something I dont know.) Sir 8th main Road?

Stranger: I dont know. Sorry. Please ask someone else.

I ask 10 to 15 people and they dont have a clue which main road it is. I go to the shops near by and then ask them what main road it is and even they dont know. I mean come on dont they even know the address of the place they own. I finally go to a driving school and ask the driving instructor there for the address and that guy tells me the way. Whew. Reached there hour before time. I left an hour ago. Good thing I left two hours earlier.

Act II Scene IV

The people there send me out when I go in because I am too early. So I go out and sit. I have only enough time to get to the station after the exam. I sat there hoping hot chicks will pass by. Oh women did pass by. They certainly must have been 'feeling' hot because they werent wearing much. You cant really call them chicks cuz calling them obese will not be enough an insult to how heavy they looked. They were like sumo wrestlers with jeans that was about to rip off and a shirt... ewww... The ones that were thin were also dressed in the most revealing way. It was like the people from the slums of India had a make over in milan.

So I write the exam and now its time to go back to the station. I check out get into a auto and we are off.

Autoriksha: Where do you want to go sir?

Me: Station boss

Autoriksha: What is your name?

Me: Abhishek. I came to write an exam here.

Autoriksha: Oh! Where are you from?

My Banglorian friends voice tells me in my head "What ever you do never let them know you are tamil."

Me: I am from kerala.

Autoriksha: OH KERALA? Gods own country? Malayalam Ariyumo?

Me: ehh yes yes

Autoriksha: Education there is really good no? Your chief minister is the best. What is his name?

Me: huh? chief minister? A.K Antony?? :D

Autoriksha: That is defense minister ra.

Me: Oh. No time for politics anna... (oops)

Thankfully we reached the station before he could come to the realization I was from Chennai. Man that was close!!!

                                 ACT III

Act III Scene I


People kept calling me and texting me and my phone was off in an hour. Great! So I get in the train and I am on my way back to college.

Me: Anna, Akka please wake me up in the morning

Family: Sure. Dont worry about it. You are getting down in Tanjore right?

Me: Yeah are you getting down there too?

Family: Yup. Dont worry we will wake you up.

Me: Thank you very much. My phone is off so I cant keep alarm.

Family: Nanga Irukome le. Nee nalla thungu.

What nice people why cant banglore people be like tamils here :)

Act III Scene II

I open my eyes slowly and something is amiss. Hmmm thats strange the family is gone. Maybe they got down in Trichy. The train comes to a stop.

Me: Anna what stop is this?

Passenger: Kumbakonam pa.

Me: WHAT?? Are you sure?

Passenger: Where do you need to get down?

Me: Tanjore.

Passenger: We passed that an hour ago.

The train starts moving and I hop out. Curse that family. Now I have to escape the eyes of the Ticket checker in the station entrance to avoid fine and then take an hour long bus ride back to my college. 
Banglore strangely seemed better now.

Previous Post -  Frequently asked questions in my life

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Frequently asked questions in my life

Diary Entry 3

These are some of the questions people keep asking me time and again. Everybody new person I meet, asks me at least one of these questions.IT IS VERY ANNOYING.

Frequently asked questions

1. Are you a muslim?

Ans. Jeese. Just cuz there is a shake in my name doesn mean I am a muslim. This is the most
bizzare question of all. No I am not muslim. I cant believe some people have never heard my name and here I was complaining for being stuck with a very common name. 

2. Are you a mallu? Where u from?

Ans. Yes. Mom from pallakad, dad from cochin. (Pallakad is not in Tamil Nadu for christsake)

3. Can you teach me Malayalam?

Ans. Some people are really persistent and annoying with this one. I can tell you the translation of words
in Malayalam but dont expect me to give you classes.

4. What the hell!!! You are not vegetarian?

Ans. Not a single cell in my body is vegetarian bro. Worst part is, every time I tell a vegetarian that I am not a vegetarian, they put their tongue out as if they are going to puke. *Sigh* Some people just cant imagine me eating chicken I guess. 

5. You a brahmin rite?

Ans. This is the second most frequently asked question. No I am not. Not even remotely close to being one. Some times it is worse. They assume I am one and ask me stuff about what sect I belong to.

6. How are you so fair man?

Ans. Too bad god made me that way. Sometimes they make me regret it.

7. Are you fair because your mom is a dermatologist?

Ans. Oh come on. If my mom could make people fair at will then you would be reading her name in the papers. I will make sure I tell you once my mom finds out how to turn dark people fair.

8. Hey ask your mom for a "cream to grow fair/cure for pimples etc".

Ans. My mom will only ask you to get a life.

Now for the most frequently asked question

9. Oh my god i thought you were so innocent?!?!

Ans. hmmm.

I put the last one here even though its only just a statement made with shock. That is because people say it as if they expect an explanation from me.

Previous Post - The Autobiography of Boy

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Autobiography of Boy

Diary Entry 2

Rahul is my cousin who is ten years old. He had to write this for his school work :)

Chapter 1

The beginning of my life

The day I was born was very weird. Two giants were looking at me. I wanted to cry but I just looked at them. I had black hair, brown eyes and light brown skin. I was seven pounds. One of the giants said my name was Rahul. It was blurry but I knew they were my parents. This is just one part of my life. Read on to learn more.

Chapter 2

Early life

When I was three I wasn’t too smart. My mom and dad bought me a computer. I jumped on it and it broke; my parents weren’t too happy. They bought me another one and I was smart enough not to destroy it. I started school when I was three. When I went to school, the teacher didn’t like me very much. When I had to tell someone something important, she would yell at me. When the year ended I was sad to leave all my friends.

When I turned four, I flushed a tooth brush down the toilet and it turned out it was one of my parents tooth brushes. So my dad asked me “where is my tooth brush”? I eventually told him but I did not get in trouble. He told me never to do it again.

Chapter 3

Later life

When I was nine, I went on a field trip to Six Flags. I went on a roller coaster. When I went down hill, I felt I was going to die. At the end of the ride I told myself that I am not going on a roller coaster for some time. When I was ten, I was in a pickle with my piano. I had to prepare for a concert and I didn’t know the notes of the songs I was supposed to perform. I don’t know how it happened but one morning I got both the pieces correct. I did very well at the recital. When I went to the Lego store to get a $400.00 set, I felt like I have never seen such a cool place. When we got home, the Lego set was so heavy that I had to ask my dad to help me carry it from the car. It was 10:00 PM and so I could only build the little people in the set. You have just read some of the most memorable things in my life. I hope you have enjoyed them.

Previous Post - The post I wrote before I was born