Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Getting Killed in The Kitchen


Diary Entry – 43


So my stomach was making noises. I was hungry and mom was not home. I think veins started popping out of my eyes. I could not stand it any longer. So I do a brave thing of going into the kitchen, of all places.

I opened the fridge to find eggs, vegetables but no edible food. Mom manages to conjure food from thin air, in minutes, every time I say I am hungry. That is one magic trick I should have learnt.

Noodles?

I already searched for a packet in every corner of the house. Nothing.

I said a prayer: Please God! Dont let me die. I wont waste any food from now on.

Tears started to stream down my face.

I should have listened when I was asked not to skip lunch. I could not even find an apple (apple because some of you will find banana too perverse).

I went to the fridge one more time to study my options. There were carrots, capsicum and a few other things I did not know. Eat carrots like bugs bunny rite?

No.

I did not want to eat something I spent my entire life hating.

Eggs was the last option. Well I had to cook it. Fortunately I had seen it being cooked so many times before that I was some what of an expert in it, even if I had never actually cooked one in the kitchen.

So I decided I was going to have fried eggs. I turned on the gas.  I tried several times to turn on the stove. Gas smell filled my nose but there was no fire in stove. If I kept that up, tomorrow’s news would have been “Hungry Boy Died in Kitchen trying to make an omelette.”  Not the kind of headlines I want to be making.

So I turned off the gas and looked around to realize that we had a microwave. This is where I got really nerdy. Well we can cook eggs in a microwave without anybody getting killed rite? Well not quite. I happened to attend a lecture on microwave welding of metals by a visiting IIT faculty in our college and I remembered him telling:

“Eggs explode when you put them in a microwave.”

But he was talking about an egg with a shell. The shell prevents the water molecules from escaping out and so because of the pressure build up, it explodes. I was going to make a fried egg so my egg was not going to have a shell. I just wanted to make sure it was safe so I looked it up in google. Turned out the egg's yellow has a membrane which holds it together. So when I microwave the egg, the water molecules wont be able to escape from the membrane and it might blow up. Though it will be less disastrous than microwaving an egg with a shell, trying to cook it in a microwave is going to be catastrophic one way or the other.

That is when my brain started saying “Eat it Raw dude. I will turn off your taste buds till you swallow it.”

But then I decided to make one more google search before I was left to take that desperate measure. I landed upon a fellow bloggers blog and she had this ingenious idea. Break the membrane of the eggs yellow with a tooth pick so when the water wants to escape, it can from the hole in the membrane. I poked the eggs membrane with the plastic tip of my compass.

Three minutes I peered into the microwave to find any starting signs of an explosion. Monitoring a nuclear reactor would have been easier because I had no idea whether it was getting cooked or whether it was going to explode.

The end result was a work of art that would have made even Pablo Picasso envy me. Whether I ate it, will forever be a mystery.

Previous Post - IIT Bombay


90 Comments for this post:

  1. lol.. Such a beautifully written post. MAde me crack up. I can so relate t this as going to the kitchen stresses me out beyond comprehension.
    Glad to have found you at Indiblogger. Your newest follwer and a regular visitor now,
    cheers
    Kajal

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    1. Thank you Kajal. I am glad you liked it :)

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  2. Ha! Ha! You did not remember to call PizzaHut or Dominos??
    Enjoyed the post, well written.

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    1. Lol I think cheese is bad for the heart :P

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  3. We'd have liked to see what it looked like, tho' :)
    Nice post.

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    1. I dont think you would like to be horrified though :P

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  4. ha ha ha... thoroughly enjoyed the post. the writing was smooth and without any hiccups.

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  5. errr it seemed more like a science pproject than actual cooking... :D ... with water molecules, membranes :D . hehehheheh ... n the headline , (incase you err, how do i say it nicely, oh well ... in case you died making an omlette ) .. was tooo good :D ...

    YOU ARE FAB!!!

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    1. Science project reminds me, you look like a smart nerdy dancer I know. You dont happen to be from my college by any chance do you?

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    2. Errr ... "smart nerdy dancer" .. hehheh .. dat does sound familiar :P .. which college were you in?

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    3. LOL telling it here will compromise my anonymity :P Fill in the contact me form in my site and send me ur email, I will email you my college's name :P

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  6. That you're still alive and writing about the experience is proof enough that you didn't eat it eventually. :P

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    1. Well did I tell you how hungry I was before I started cooking :P

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  7. i eat raw egg. lovely post. had a hearty laugh

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    1. Couldnt find the courage to do that lol :D

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  8. i am very bad cook myself.Once made an egg dish for my half drunk friends and every one end up puking(literally)....:p

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    1. I would like to think i am a great cook, but I lack the right tools to do it :P As for your drunk friends, I think egg and alcohol did not mix well :D

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  9. Heard of order in ? No ? Though as much :P

    Poor you , my sympathies :)

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    1. The only thing I can have delivered to my house is Pizza and a few other stuff that I dont want to eat. Nobody is going to home deliver an omelet now rite?

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  10. alright this is deja vu again. our brilliant plan was to cook eggs in a water boiler. ;)

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    1. lol that must have worked. It did not? :D

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  11. Hilarious post! And you are rather inventive! :D

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    1. Lol you are in blog of a future Noble Laurette :P

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  12. Can paractically hear future girlfriend/ wife applauding in ecstasy. Atleast u learned to make eggs without exploding them. Which is more than that can be said for most indian men

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    1. LOL I think I wont get married if my future girl sees this post :P I had to reassure all the cute girls who read this post that I can cook in the stove :P

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  13. I am happy I learnt about it all on your blog, not on INDIA-TV!

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  14. hehe really please please tell me did u eat it?

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  15. you shud have taken a picture tooo ... for all of us to admire the art :)

    so did you eat and not feel hungry :)

    Bikram's

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    1. hilarious it was . . and right now i am hungry like anything and the veins in my eyes are popping out ;) good one
      keep writing
      maliny

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    2. @Bikramjit - Well that is one art that would have spread horror :P

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    3. @Maliny - Thank you :) I hope you find some food :D

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  16. Hm.... Interesting experience

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  17. “Eggs explode when you put it in a microwave.” ... yup, I can vouch for that. But if you time it right, you can still pull it off. My former roommate mastered the technique after a couple of experiments where we ended up cleaning the kitchen floor.

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    1. LOL I will try to master this fine art of not making the egg explode :P

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  18. you shoulda posted a picture of the end result! how am i to know if it was edible or deadly? lol. fun read, thankuverymuch!

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    1. LOL it would have shocked my readers. They will never come to my blog again. :)

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  19. hahahaha...whether you ate it or not....let it be a mystery... :P
    Cooking for the first time is always an adventurous experience...I too faced similar situation couple of years ago... ;)
    nice one... :D

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  20. Interesting read...din't expect myself to read the whole thing..But you managed to get me through!

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  21. Hahaha :D :). Nice read ;).
    Why did you leave it as a mystery? :(.
    My position will be the same if I enter a kitchen :P.
    Thank god, I don't have your guts ;). There is Hotel right in front of my house to save me :P.

    Awesome post :).
    Keep COOKING :P

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    1. Well when you are in your house, you can go to a hotel alone and eat without offending your mother :D

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  22. I was expecting a picture of what you prepared. Nice try :-).

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  23. thanks for the wonderful insight into the world of eggs (in microwave).
    funny!..i bet you couldn't swallow a bite.

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  24. Haha...it was fun to read this! Google has seriously made life so simpler! What happened to your egg finally, that probably only you can tell! :D

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    1. Lol I am alive man. That is all that matters :D

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  25. this is called " i cant cook for my life"

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    1. LOL no man I dont think it is called that :P

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    2. ha ha very nice one Narcissist. :)
      The thing you said about mom making food from nothing- I had that feeling too so many times. When they make it, it seems so simple. When we try, well this happens! ;)
      Keep writing.
      This reminds me- there is a similar post in my blog. Do check it out if you have the time
      http://devanexpresses.blogspot.in/2010/07/culinary-screwup.html

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  26. Dudddeeee. :P
    That's all I'd say I guess. :P

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    1. LOL you are a master chief huh? :D

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    2. What on Earth made you think that?! There's a special "No entry" sign outside my kitchen that is meant for me.
      In all probability, I would burn the house down otherwise. :P

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    3. Lol I thought u were making fun of me being a guy and stereotyping all men as sloppy cooks when u said Duddddeeee :P

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  27. So the chef "apadeye sapadale" - so finally cooked something to saciate your hunger. Good effort. keep it up

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  28. Absolute piece of brilliance this. I was 7 years old when I tried making Barfi, guided by my Environmental Science TextBook.

    That was a Rembrandt, no less.

    - R.R

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    1. LOL What kind of Barfi were u trying to make?

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  29. LOL! ha ha I guess the sight of it! :D I just made three 3 dosas for my uncle and it became so thick..he felt like he had 6 !! :D

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    1. wow that would have been a mouth full :D

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  30. hahahah...this was soooooo very funny..next time stak up ur secrt cupboard wid sum goodies so that u dun hv to wait n watch whthr u l get to eat your egg or watch it explode..lol

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    1. The secret cupboard was empty on that day :D

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  31. Hahahahaha!! That was quite an adventure... and a pretty good idea actly.. :D LOVED THE POST!

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  32. Good post.
    Men must know cooking otherwise we are not equal

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    1. LOL men do know cooking. There are only as many men who dont know how to cook as there are women who dont know how to cook. Even if my statistics is wrong doesnt it make the fairer sex the superior sex? ;)

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  33. Who said bungee jumping and the likes of it is alone adventure esp when you can find the mystic thrill of it in your very own kitchen.nice posts,like your blog,very catchy and humorous!

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    1. Thanks a lot Vaishali :) I am glad you liked my blog :)

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  34. “Hungry Boy Died in Kitchen trying to make an omelette.”
    superlyk
    :D

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  35. Brilliant post, loved it. So did you add salt and pepper?

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    1. Is that a trick question to find out whether I ate it? :P

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