Saturday, February 18, 2012

IIT Bombay


Diary Entry – 42


The only reason why I am giving such a boring title for a blog post is because there is a lot of talk about Search Engine Optimization in the blogging world these days and I am just trying to say IIT Bombay so many times in this post so that when someone searches for IIT Bombay in Google, they will land up in the Diary Of The Narcissist. So if you are that someone who came here because you searched for IIT Bombay then I am sorry to inform you that I do not have free GATE or JEE Test Papers here in this site.  



  
Last three days there was this international conference on Simulation and Modeling in IIT Bombay. My project guide who is one of the leading experts in the field of simulation, was one of the few invited guests. He wanted me to come and promote a simulation technology in this conference. This conference in IIT Bombay had more participants from the industry than participants from the academic field. It meant a lot of clients for my guide who was a consultant. He promised to pay five thousand rupees if I came.

Now I did not want to go to IIT Bombay to attend this conference for two reasons.

1. I have been using this simulation technology for a month for my final project. This meant that I knew little to promote it to any potential customers.

2. I cannot speak a word in Hindi.

But I had to go because I was in debt to my professor for a few reasons. Yes, curse my sense of loyalty towards people. Anyway just so that I wont be massacred in an alien city, I decided to learn a few sentences in Hindi, two hours before my flight to Bombay. I asked my friend to give me the translations for the following sentences.

I want to go to IIT Bombay (Mai IIT Bombay Jana Chata Hu).

I started learning Hindi only Today (Mai aaj Thoda sa Hindi Seekha)

Can you tell me this in English? I speak very little Hindi (Kya aap muje angrezi mey samja denge? Muje Hindi Bahut thode hi aati Hai)

Finally just in case I stopped to ask direction to Raj Thackrey who has been known to bully people who came from other states, I learnt this:

I am going to IIT Bombay to attend a conference for three days. (Mai ek conference meing saamil hone ke liye IIT bambai jar aha hu... teen dino ke liye)

That was by far the toughest sentence to remember.

So the first thing I say when I enter the Taxi was this –

Me: Namaste Driver Ji? Aap Kaise hey? (Hello Driver. How are you?)

Driver: :|

I looked up youtube for learn Hindi Videos the previous day and this Aap Kaise hey line was one thing I learnt. I was determined to use every single thing I learnt in Hindi. So I tell the guy in Hindi I want to go to IIT Bombay and I feel confident that I can manage anybody who talks to me in Hindi. But then I met this hot police chick in IIT Bombay’s entrance.

I know all North Indian women are hot in the eyes of South Indian Men but this super fair police officer was different. I thought such hot female law enforcers existed only in the movies. She was more like the security of IIT Bombay. The lady did not just let me inside instead she said crap in Hindi and the sentence had bag, mobile phone and laptop in it. The last time I heard a similar sentence in Hindi was in the plane and it was the flight attendant asking us to switch off our mobile phone and laptop during takeoff and landing. I told this lady that I had no laptop in my bag. This lady for some reason repeated the same sentence again. I was frustrated and told her this:  

Mai aaj Thoda sa Hindi Seekha (I started learning Hindi only Today).

Kya aap muje angrezi mey samja denge? (Can you tell me this in English?)

Then I realized the mistake I made. She looked at me stone faced. I practised these two lines so much on the way, that I probably sounded like a native Hindi speaker when I spit it out fast. So after I told her that, she probably thought I was a creep who was messing with her because she was pretty. I had to keep talking in English before she would finally let me in.

The actual conference and my time in IIT Bombay went very well. I mean I was totally wrong about North Indians. They were just like the Hindi guys in my college if not more friendlier. For some reason they all liked me even if I did not speak Hindi. After that incident with the police lady, I decided to stop pretending to know Hindi. At first I was a little bit intimidated when people spoke Hindi. Sure I could understand and all but I can only respond in English. But that ended up intimidating people who spoke to me in Hindi. But they still liked me. They gave me their email address so that I could add them on facebook and stuff. One chick I met in the conference was a M.Tech student in Industrial Engineering Department. She asked me how I was finding IIT Bombays’s campus. I told her it is very large and I am scared of getting lost. I also told her I speak very little Hindi, in Hindi. That got her rolling on the floor laughing. When she finally stopped giggling she told me that I sounded like Katrina Kaif when she first came to Bollywood. Turns out that Katrina Kaif had this British accent in her Hindi and I was talking Hindi the same way. For a moment I thought my Hindi was as good as a film star’s.

It was finally time to go home. My cousin kept telling me don't go to that area in Bombay, don't go to this area in Bombay, because I will be robbed or raped. Though being robbed worried me a little, I thought rape was for women. I reached the Mumbai airport and I thought I successfully managed to leave Bombay without being robbed or raped. Well all that changed when I went through the routine security check. It was a Nightmare. The guard asked me to spread my hands and legs so he can check if I was carrying some bomb or ammunition. What happened next made me jump and shout out WTF. That guy grabbed my uh.. Yeah that.

Gay Police Officer: First Time in airport?

“First time being groped in public by a police officer. Where do I give a complain?” I wanted to ask. There is no terrorist in this world who is going to sacrifice his man hood just so that he could place a bomb between his legs. It is going to be really hard for a terrorist to place a bomb in the Bombay Airport because the security leaves no place unchecked. I am going to need therapy for this trauma. 


  

P.S – For the sake of search engine optimization I required to say IIT Bombay one more time in the very last sentence, which is this. :D

Previous Post - I am not Crazy


56 Comments for this post:

  1. Hahaha! Wonderful post man. Last para. ROFL! :D

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  2. He he he :P U mugged up hindi huh :P
    It's really tough to visit north without knowin hindi :P Experienced many time :D

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    Replies
    1. Well the thing was I came out as a survivor

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  3. Replies
    1. Your mastery of the language will never be doubted ;)

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  4. Macha, Trust you to keep the Madras flag flying high and you come up with the trumps every single time.

    You should have given them the 'Yek gaav me Yek Kisaan Raghu Thata' treatment :D and being compared to a film star by a chick definitely counts as a SCORE.

    Hilarious one Macha.

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    Replies
    1. Epide ellam manasa thethika vendiadha irku :D

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  5. Hahaa, even the mention of a 'Raghu thatha' cracks me up!:D I can fully empathize with you- survived one year in the north and was the only person in my class who couldn't speak Hindi. Even now, the only thing I can say is 'Hindi nahi aati'. But but, I can understand perfectly well! And Katrina Kaif, really?!!

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    1. A girl was teaching me Hindi and I was asking her translations. But if I repeated whatever she said, it was wrong :|... Different words of men and women. GOD. Then I had to find a guy to teach me.

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  6. the security grabbing your crotch.. man that's cliche.. people do make that funny statement often common! how true is that ;)

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    1. That was no cliche to me my friend. I had my ass felt up be security before, but this... A bad dream that I would like to forget...

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  7. Hahaha...that was a fun one to read! :D

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  8. ROFL :D :D made my day! I laughed , laughed and laughed!!! :D and then I banged my head against the wall thinking that why I again missed your previous posts.. so I found out a different way to follow your posts ( following you at twitter :P :P) I wonder how come most South Indian men I know have this amazing sense of humor.. and your hindi surely reminded me of my bestie .. loved the entire post.. no comments on the last paragraph.. I pity you.. but my favourite is the drivers reaction when you told him " Namaste Driver Ji? Aap Kaise hey?" :D

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    1. Man this is probably the best reaction I can expect for this post :D I think you find south indian men funny because we make a fool of ourselves so well. :D Oh well what ever gets you people smiling :P

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  9. this was so effing hilarious!! laughed like mad throughout the post!

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  10. I found it intriguing enough to complete it, thanks to that Sharon-Stonesque police officer you mentioned. Now, before fly go off the handle, remember you started it! I usually descend on blogs hungry for delicious meat. And there are times I am able to finish the post and moved enough to comment. Yes, it helps being conceited or else I'll die reading zilch!

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    Replies
    1. You are being a jerk and not making sense at the same time...

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  11. That police officer had a very straight me gawking, I can only imagine what effect she had on you :P

    "Here is no terrorist in this world who is going to sacrifice his man hood just so that he could place a bomb between his legs" - had me laughing like a maniac

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    1. That police officer in the picture was Namitha :| You call yourself a South Indian. Shame on you :|

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  12. hahahah .. a police officer groped you?? i mean seriously?? im sorry thats the first thing am writing about!!! eee... because a friend of mine had a similar instance, and we were laughing our asses off at his expression (literally)

    You sounding lyk Katrina Kaif in terms of HIndi.. heheh.. really??? am sorry but this post was really hIlarious ...

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    Replies
    1. I am still wondering why you are sorry. I am glad you find it funny. :)

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  13. you need to dig deep inside the ground and loose yourself in the lobby and lecture halls to know much much its better thn IIT Mad'raas :D Hope you had/will keep having phun :)

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  14. HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAA
    (Okay, I didn't laugh that much but hope it conveys what I actually wanted to convey:P)
    I regret why didn't I come across your blog the moment I learnt to read!:D :D :D

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    Replies
    1. No need to worry. My blogs been around for less than 6 months :D

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  15. HA HA HA
    Nice post Initially I thought you will describe IIT-B but I am more happy after reading this!!!

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  16. Even I cannot speak a word in Hindi. And people hv literally failed teachin me hindi too.. Maybe it had a social cause.. The whole lot who tried to teach me hindi, ended up in learnin the language that i speak..

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    Replies
    1. Lol that is sort of happening to me at the moment :D

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  17. Sometimes, not knowing a language has its advantages!

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  18. Lol!! I always told people I didn't know hindi in my bad hindi...which was proof anyway so they believed me. Interesting post! :) Following

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  19. that was a fun read. super post.

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  20. Hilarious post man and i can correlate with the experience you have had on account of a language for i faced similar situations when i went to Iraq way back in 1981(by the way i do know Hindi)

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    Replies
    1. IRAQ? :D Saddam Husein was not a dictator then huh?

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  21. Hindi but shud you not have learnt marathi :) to be on more safer side ... and you said Bambai OH MY GOD... no one said anything its MUMBAI .. oh my you are in trouble now ...

    and let me tell you a secret Mumbai does not come half as close to as the north india :) come to chandigarh sometime now thats a place to be in he he hehe :)

    made me laugh and smile this post and JAI ho for the Mumbai airport security check... ooopsie

    Bikram's

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    1. My contacts in Bombay were filled with rage when i said Bombay was only so so. If they see your comment, you will be massacred lol :P

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  22. "Namaste Driver Ji? Aap Kaise hey?" is highlight of the post. really nice. keep up the good work. learning hindi. :)
    and my first time here.

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    1. Thank you for visiting my blog Aella ji :D

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  23. Hilarious Post. If you are ever coming to Delhi you might have to learn a few more lines in Hindi especially cuss words. :)

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    Replies
    1. I am already very familiar with the curses. :P

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  24. Hahaha, I haven't quite stopped grinning just yet :P
    Loved this post, I did!

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  25. I am sorry about my comment above. Looks like I must stop posting comments through my Android phone. I myself couldn't figure out what I'd wanted to say! It is difficult for me to recollect my original idea at this moment, but I appear to have mixed up comments for two blogs while doing tabbed commenting on that damned device.

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    1. LOL no problem man. I thought you were saying something offensive and purposely making the sentence convoluted so I wont understand what you are saying :D :D

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  26. My God, I couldn't stop laughing. What an eventful trip? :-)

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    1. Lol u are very nice. You read every single blog post I write :D

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