XIII

Diary Entry 13

Many people dread the number Thirteen. There is even a phobia called Triskaidekaphobia, fear of thirteen. In fact it has been suggested that there is a loss of around $900 million around the globe during Friday the 13th, because people are so afraid of the date and they move their wedding, travel plans etc to a later date. 

I dont think thirteen is unlucky. Angelina Jolie doesnt think that either. This lady got the number Thirteen tattooed to her hand (see image). Something bad must have happened to her right? Well she won the oscar for Changeling. Brad Pitt even left his long time girlfriend Jennifer Aniston for Angelina. I mean come on this lady is carrying this satanic number in her hand and she sees it every day. I dont know about you but getting a Oscar and if you are a girl having brad pitt as your boy friend isnt exactly something I would call bad luck.

Then there is all this fuss about Friday the 13th. I can see why the Christians and the Jews find it unlucky. But why the hindus and even athiests? Hindus, what happened to the good old times when we had our own superstitions like the cat crossing our path bringing bad luck. Cats scared the shit out of you people before. Now you have them as pets and make a fuss about Thirteen. Sometimes even the atheists gets it all messed up. They dont believe in god and shun it as superstition. Finding thirteen unlucky is not superstitious?

So when you see the number thirteen next time, dont run away like there is no tomorrow. Wait for a moment and look more closely. You might find Angelina there ;)


Previous Post - For those who think my english is good

For those who think my english is good

Diary Entry 12

My special thanks to Zephyr   

Dear Adulator,



Some people say my english is really great. Some even ask me for advice to help them improve. But the truth remains that my english is and will continue to remain pathetic. Maybe sometimes I can talk and impress you with words, but when it comes to writing my english is only as good as the english I had as a 5th grader. You know why? When I write, I still make the same mistakes I did then. Spelling has been something that has eluded me ever since I started to write. You dont see it here because of the spell check technology that gets rid of most of the errors. However the homophones and words that are spelled almost the same escape the spell check.

I had it all confused since I was young. Talking to women have helped me in a lot of places. Spelling is one of those places. I said this to a girl over the yahoo messenger,"Hey sweatie, wassup?". If you dont find any mistake in that then you are like me and I welcome you to the club. If you cant figure out why in the world I said that, I was actually trying to say sweetie and not sweatie. She for the first time thought that it was a honest mistake. But as I kept saying it, she thought I was making fun of her body odour. She told me to stop teasing her and that she will use a better perfume or deo next time.

You see people, the folks in school who were my english teachers never corrected spelling mistakes after the 5th grade. Mostly because if they corrected them, it would make them look silly. That did not help me and I kept making the same mistakes over and over again. Few of you might condone this and say hey everybody does that and that these things need no corrections. But its the people who have the guts to correct me when I am wrong that I like the most. My newly found friend corrected the spelling of a word I used when I sent her a message. The very next message she apologized for correcting me. Why should someone apologize for helping. I realize that most people are annoyed when they are corrected, but I on the other hand feel very grateful. So if you see me making mistakes please do correct them and dont  feel like you are correcting Milton. This ordinary guy with his ordinary english will think that you are Angel and not a Angle after that.

Love,
Abhi

P.S - For those who have not heard me speak in English, I dont have that mallu accent for the most part. The only words I say with a mallu accent is Banana and Parrota (or Borrota or Barrota or whatever) .


Previous Post - The Terrorist

The Terrorist

Diary Entry 11 

When I was in 8th grade nobody wanted to go to New Jersey, but my aunt talked us into it.  

My grandmother had to extend her visa the last time she was in the US. Though the Visa extension was approved, the documents was with my uncle in America and if you looked at her passport, you will think that she stayed for extra month last time illegally. Well that is exactly what the airport officials thought once we landed there. So this guy takes her to another room to verify. Me and my mother sit on the floor waiting for my grandmother and there is no sign of her. It so happens that they figured out that my grandmother got a visa extension within 10 minutes, but her passport was given to another lady. We had to wait for the officials to return her passport. So me and my mom wait and wait.

I drank too much free soda in the plane and I needed to use the toilet badly. So when I ask the guy there where the toilet was, he told me the nearest one is in the floor below, but if I go there I wont be able to come back up again. I told him that I needed to use the bathroom badly and then he asked me to use the one on the far corner of the floor I was in now. So I walk over there to take a leak. The only guy anywhere near the area is a cleaner who is moping the floor. I take a leak and walk back and this tall and muscular white guy stops me.

American: Sir.

Me: yeah?

American: What were you doing there?

Me: I went to piss.

American: It is a Restricted Area.

Me: The Toilet is a Restricted Area?

American: No that place is restricted. You are not supposed to go there.

Me: I am sorry sir. I wont do it again.

This is the response I have been giving my school teachers since kinder garden. My mother taught me that before the first day of school. I have always got away when I said this. But this guy wasnt going to let me go. I think he would have got a medal if he sent boys like me to prison.

American: Come with me.

I go with him to the toilet where I just went. I see the cleaner. I have never been more happy to see a toilet cleaner. 

Me: Sir. If you dont believe me when I tell you I pissed here. Please ask the man there who is mopping the floor.

American: Did you see this boy a moment ago?

Cleaner: Yes sir. I did.

American: You saw him, coming here and taking a leak?

Cleaner: Yes sir.

When someone tells you that they saw you taking a leak, you will feel very ashamed. But I have never felt more glad in my life. I wanted to turn back and say, "Ha. He saw me taking a leak." (and I wanted to do this ':P')

American: Can I see your id?

The cleaner shows him the id.  

American: You can go son.

Me: Thank you sir. I will try not to use any public toilets in your country.

I walk back to where my mother was sitting.

Mom: What took you so long?

Me: The guy over there thought I planted a bomb in the toilet amma.

Mom: What?

Me: Yeah I know. For a moment I thought I was going to go to prison, but the cleaner sent from heaven saved me.

Mom: Did you do something?

Me: Well I did use the public toilet to pee, which I am never going to do again in this country.

Mom: Hmmmm

Me: I love India amma. You can pee anywhere if its really urgent. People will understand. But in this country you cant even use the toilets that man has built to pee.

I was 13. 


Previous Post - Parents
 

Parents

Diary Entry 10 

If you know my father personally, please make sure you read this before you read anything else.

When I went to Kerala this time, I met a distant relative of mine. 

Aunt: Eda, you look exactly like how you look in those facebook pictures you posted. I thought you must have gained some weight.


Me: Oh lol chechi, you know how it is in college. The food they serve us is not exactly ambrosia.


Aunt: Haha but still you have to eat da. You can eat outside.


Me: I can but not everyday. Too expensive. By the way, you told me you saw me in facebook. Did your daughter show you my pictures?

Aunt: No no. Ahvil onnum facebookle ennike kanikilla. (No. She wont show me anything in facebook.)

Me: Oh. How did you see it then.

Aunt: I log in to her account when she is not home da. You know, to check on her and to know what kind of people she is socializing with.

Me: WHAT?

I was shocked. It was not because a mother was spying on her daughter, but because of something else.

Aunt: Endhu Pathe? (What happened?)

Me: Chechi when you were online in you daughters account, did you ever talk to me?

Aunt: Of course. Last time we spoke I asked you how your grandfathers health was, remember?

Her daughter has never met my grandfather. I should have known something was fishy when she sounded concerned about someone she has never met. I thought she was being polite.  

Me: Chechi, when I spoke to you thinking I am talking to your daughter, did I by any chance say anything I shouldnt have?

Aunt: Haha like what?

Me: eh chechi. You should know I completely respect you daughter. She is like a sister that I never had. I have told my mother many times that I wanted someone like your daughter as a sister.

Aunt: oh ho adhey yo? lol get to the point da...

Me: Eh. Did I by any chance, you know uh flirt with your daughter, eh I mean you?

Aunt: Haha you did flirt with me. But dont worry about it, I wont tell your parents. All her guy friends do that.

On the one hand she sounds like a really mature lady who is okay with guys flirting with her daughter (and her) and on the other hand she is spying on her own daughter. Man this lady confuses me.

Me: When you say all her guy friends do that, you mean that they flirt with you?

Aunt: Right. But of course they dont know its me. My daughter doesnt know that I use her account, and I hope she wont come to know in the future either.

Me: I wont tell her chechi, I promise.

(Who knows what inappropriate crap I have told her instead of her daughter).

Me: But why do you have to spy on her?

Aunt: Well you know how the Internet is. Bank account numbers get stolen, people killing themselves because of cyber bullying and stuff like that.

Someone has been reading way too much news paper. 


Me: I understand what you mean. Hackers can use facebook to get peoples credit card details. You are doing the right thing. I wish my parents were like you :P

This lady's daughter is a month older than me. She is doing medicine in a top university in India. I think she has the brains not to give away her bank details and to stay away from cyber bullying. Man I always thought that with her IQ level she can become president of MENSA and now I see someone smarter than her tricking her.

After I spoke to this woman, I realized that I have such mature parents. But ever since I started using the Internet I kept them in the dark about the things I do here. Internet is a lot more fun when your parents dont know what you have been upto.

But if I did show things like this blog for example to my father, he will love it. The next thing that he will do is tell all his friends and even some of that patients to go check it out. He makes a really big deal out of the smallest of things that I do. I once a wrote a speech about poverty. I sent it to him to see how it was. Everybody in Tambaram knew every line in my speech the next day. So when I tell you that I am never going to show this blog to him, you might ask me why I dont want all that free advertisement.


Its because my father is a complicated man. You can make fun of him and he will think its funny most of the time. But the times when he doesn't think its funny is not very pleasant. I for the most part stay away from making fun of him. But I wrote this post Travel Partner that so many of you liked reading. One of my friends who read that post told me that he had tears in his eyes after reading it. I thought he was a sympathizer of my plight. But it so turns out that he couldnt stop laughing. My father still thinks that incident was no big deal. He tells me its a valuable experience. The only experience I got was that of my mothers marriage. There is a very good chance that he might think that post was crude humor. So I am not taking the risk.

I told you in the beginning that if you knew my father that you have to read this very carefully. That is because some people try to impress my father for no reason at all. Konjam over ice they usually put. I can think of some fools who are going to read my blog and tell my father the following:

"Your sons blog is very funny. Especially the part where you two went to kerala together. How come you never told me about it?"


If you say this or anything like this, then you wont see me anywhere in the Internet after that.

.

Previous Post - Describing my ideal partner (in 45 sec)