Saturday, July 16, 2011

We Live to Eat

Diary Entry 19

There are some people who come to me and ask how I manage to stay so thin. They expect me to give them advice. They find it very hard to believe that I am thin because I eat out so often and I eat more poultry stuff than I drink milk. When they see me so thin inspite of all the gluttony they cant help but feel a little jealous.

You will see me eating outside and stuffing myself to my hearts content. I never go out alone to eat. I prefer having a food buddy because it serves three purposes. 

1. People wont think I am weirdo who has never seen food in his life when they see me eat (or when they see me go crazy as I wait for the food)

2. I might get over enthusiastic and order too much food. Someone has to make sure that I am in my senses when I order.

3. If I make a large order and it becomes impossible to eat another spoon, someone must help me finish. (Wasting food is not a sin. But wasting chicken is unforgivable.)

Its not easy to recruit eating partners. It is really hard. This is a conversation I have almost every night these days.

Me: Macha Vella pogalama? (Dude shall we go out?)

Friend: Why da?

Me: For dinner.

Friend: Dai we went yesterday. I don’t have the money.

Me: Dai please da. I will sponsor ice cream/cool drinks for you today.

Friend: Paravailla. Nane varrale (Its okay. I am not coming.)

Me: :( (Sad, pavam and hurt face)

Friend: Dai. Its not that I don’t want to come, its just that I don’t have money da. If I come it will surely cost more than 50 Rupees. I need money to go home next week.

Me: Seri. You eat as much as you want. You pay 50 Rupees only. Anything more than that I will pay.

Friend: Hmmmm

Me: Okay come on lets go.

Friend: Dai I haven’t said yes.

Me: Today its the worst food in mess da. My room mate told me he felt like puking.

Friend: Paravailla da. I will eat here itself and you don’t worry about me.

Me: If we go outside we will get egg dosa and half boil da. You know how much you like half boil don’t you?

Friend: Nane varalla macha. (I am not coming da)

Me: Egg dosa 20 Rupees. Half boil 6 Rupees. Twenty six rupees you don’t have ah? Will you rather eat the food here than spend 26 Rupees?

Friend: Hmmm.

Me: Wait let me bring my wallet.

And we go to eat. His bill comes to 60 Ruppees. I pay the extra ten like I promised and buy him cool drinks also.

Me: Now wasn’t that nice?

Friend: You know what? Having you as a friend is more expensive that having a girl friend. In a month, I spend so much money eating outside with you, that I think if I had a girl friend and took her out on dates, I would spend a lot less.

Me: Macha only one more year college da. You wait and see, you will miss all this after that.

Friend: I am not going to miss this. I will be rich if I stopped coming out to eat with you.  

Next day we go out again.

Two questions you will immediately want to ask now.

1. How can you afford eating out so often?
2. How come you are still so thin?

The money that I get from home I spend on nothing but food. Not Books. Not Girls. Not Clothes. Not Movies. Not Drugs. Not Alcohol. Not even for Phone Recharge. Being with my mother I have learnt to spend money only on one thing. FOOD. Now don’t get all smart like Paul Kruggman and give us advice on how to save money. We have money stacked under our carpet to save us in case there was a Nuclear Holocaust. What will we do with money if we are all dead anyway? So eat while your heart is still beating and we live to eat.

To get things straight, I think if someone calls you fat its a compliment. Last summer I had so much food that I added 4 kilos. All in a months time. One Sunday evening when I was checking myself out in the mirror for signs of muscles like Schwarzenegger, my mother walks in and tells me I better cut down on my eating because I was starting to get a belly. When I noticed what she was talking about, I was the happiest person in the world. I mean... me... fat... how awesome can things get. But I was not very fat. My mom gives such reactions because I have looked like a Jewish kid from the Nazi camp, all my life. But to me all that extra weight was a gift from the gods. My Body Mass Index (BMI) was 20.

Then I came to college.

The monks in Tibet and I have only one thing in common. We eat only one meal per day. Please note that I am not a Tibetan Monk when I am in my grandmother place (Thats how I gained 4 kilos at home).
No. I don’t have an eating disorder.  
Yes. I do get hungry.
No. I do not eat even when I am starving.
Yes. I am afraid of getting stomach ulcer.
No. My mother doesn’t know.

So when some guy goes on a hunger strike and the whole world goes ooh haa about it, I sit and laugh. They make a big fuss about it as if its something hard like walking on fire. I stay without eating all the time. (I am not making fun of Baba Ramdev).

My hostel took away the 4 kilo gift I got from the gods and my BMI is now 17. I am scientifically thin. I am a gluttonous pig and a Tibetian Monk, both at the same time. Now you know how I manage to stay so thin.  

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30 Comments for this post:

Nirati said...

Hahahaha .. U remind me of my friend who is stick thin but eats more at once than I could,in one whole day. Lucky lucky u :P I eat so damn lil but m so fat ... Mhppf >:P

Anish Radjesh said...

dai macha .. really hilarious da.... nice one... so good to read ur posts... fill in more...

Ayushi said...

(Wasting food is not a sin. But wasting chicken is unforgivable.
I couldn't agree more :)

Ayushi said...

I also always order much much much more than my capacity to eat. As if that could be helped. :P

Saru Singhal said...

You are blessed Man. I put on even when I breathe. Lucky you. Enjoyed reading your post.:)

Priyanka Kamath said...

eeee I wish I had a metabolism rate like yours ! *envy*:P
Funny post ! Loved it !:D

Cindrella said...

Ha ha I loved this post!!!! Was the same during hostel days!! I used to eat hell lot and was not gaining any weight!! I was living to eat!
But now I am out of college! I don't eat so much! And I try to eat healthy food!! uff!! Now I am growing FAT!!!
So conclusion!! It's when we live to eat that we don't grow Fat huh?

GaJaL said...

"Wasting food is not a sin. But wasting chicken is unforgivable."
well said!!:D:D:D:P

ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini said...

First timer here.. Loved your writing style. Well skinny - need some advise.:)

Friend: You know what? Having you as a friend is more expensive that having a girl friend. I spend so much money eating outside with you in a month that I think if I had a girl friend and took her out on dates, I would spend a lot less.

Loved this piece..

Unknown said...

Lol, almost the same goes with me, I eat enough, but am so damn thin. I mean not zero size or whatever but no one on the face of this earth can ever call me fat!! :D :D
and even I love if i hear friends addressing me with words like Motie, golu, motu etc. Haha, i loved the caption. Agreed!

Quirky Writes said...

this is what i have noticed right from my childhood that the one who eats more stays thin (like you) whereas the one who eats less gains weight very quickly (like me). But I don't mind being bit plumpy. Nice post.

Quirky Writes said...

yeah are blessed too.....thin people usually lives a longer life..... you will get some extra years to eat more. ;-D

Confused Soul said...

You bet I'm envious now! I don't eat much and I still gain weight like crazy... And here you eat to your heart's content and your thin... Not fair!! :( .. Hmm but yes I love food too, and somehow street food fascinates me... It's so yummy .. must be the verppu of all those people :P

Arch said...

You are my katchi :P Whatta post! No harm in some self promotion,anytime. Going to eat out today,pucca!

The Narcissist said...

LOL Glad you liked it :D

The Narcissist said...

LOl thank you once again :)

The Narcissist said...

Lol okay now I am hungry. Going out to eat today :P

The Narcissist said...

lol wat is the point of spending time on earth if you cant make most of it ;)

The Narcissist said...

I think you are blessed but you will say the same thing about me I suppose.

The Narcissist said...

Some of my eating partners are the same :D

The Narcissist said...

Welcome to my blog Ashwini. Glad you liked my post :)

The Narcissist said...

:O You find time to read my blog. ;)

LOL thanks :D

The Narcissist said...

lol and they told us gluttony was a sin :D

The Narcissist said...

and I will probably envy your metabolism rate :). and Thanks (for reading, finding me thin is a offending somehow)

The Narcissist said...

lol and I think you are blessed being able to put on weight. I have been trying to for years now and nothing works. :(

The Narcissist said...

do what i do :D take a friend :D

The Narcissist said...

thanks macha

The Narcissist said...

lol joining my college might help :D

The Narcissist said...

Yeah I feel I will go to hell when I waste chicken :)

The Narcissist said...

Thanks :)