We Live to Eat

Diary Entry 19

There are some people who come to me and ask how I manage to stay so thin. They expect me to give them advice. They find it very hard to believe that I am thin because I eat out so often and I eat more poultry stuff than I drink milk. When they see me so thin inspite of all the gluttony they cant help but feel a little jealous.

  

You will see me eating outside and stuffing myself to my hearts content. I never go out alone to eat. I prefer having a food buddy because it serves three purposes. 

1. People wont think I am weirdo who has never seen food in his life when they see me eat (or when they see me go crazy as I wait for the food)

2. I might get over enthusiastic and order too much food. Someone has to make sure that I am in my senses when I order.

3. If I make a large order and it becomes impossible to eat another spoon, someone must help me finish. (Wasting food is not a sin. But wasting chicken is unforgivable.)

Its not easy to recruit eating partners. It is really hard. This is a conversation I have almost every night these days.

Me: Macha Vella pogalama? (Dude shall we go out?)

Friend: Why da?

Me: For dinner.

Friend: Dai we went yesterday. I don’t have the money.

Me: Dai please da. I will sponsor ice cream/cool drinks for you today.

Friend: Paravailla. Nane varrale (Its okay. I am not coming.)

Me: :( (Sad, pavam and hurt face)

Friend: Dai. Its not that I don’t want to come, its just that I don’t have money da. If I come it will surely cost more than 50 Rupees. I need money to go home next week.

Me: Seri. You eat as much as you want. You pay 50 Rupees only. Anything more than that I will pay.

Friend: Hmmmm

Me: Okay come on lets go.

Friend: Dai I haven’t said yes.

Me: Today its the worst food in mess da. My room mate told me he felt like puking.

Friend: Paravailla da. I will eat here itself and you don’t worry about me.

Me: If we go outside we will get egg dosa and half boil da. You know how much you like half boil don’t you?

Friend: Nane varalla macha. (I am not coming da)

Me: Egg dosa 20 Rupees. Half boil 6 Rupees. Twenty six rupees you don’t have ah? Will you rather eat the food here than spend 26 Rupees?

Friend: Hmmm.

Me: Wait let me bring my wallet.

And we go to eat. His bill comes to 60 Ruppees. I pay the extra ten like I promised and buy him cool drinks also.

Me: Now wasn’t that nice?

Friend: You know what? Having you as a friend is more expensive that having a girl friend. In a month, I spend so much money eating outside with you, that I think if I had a girl friend and took her out on dates, I would spend a lot less.

Me: Macha only one more year college da. You wait and see, you will miss all this after that.

Friend: I am not going to miss this. I will be rich if I stopped coming out to eat with you.  

Next day we go out again.

Two questions you will immediately want to ask now.

1. How can you afford eating out so often?

2. How come you are still so thin?

The money that I get from home I spend on nothing but food. Not Books. Not Girls. Not Clothes. Not Movies. Not Drugs. Not Alcohol. Not even for Phone Recharge. Being with my mother I have learnt to spend money only on one thing. FOOD. Now don’t get all smart like Paul Kruggman and give us advice on how to save money. We have money stacked under our carpet to save us in case there was a Nuclear Holocaust. What will we do with money if we are all dead anyway? So eat while your heart is still beating and we live to eat.

To get things straight, I think if someone calls you fat its a compliment. Last summer I had so much food that I added 4 kilos. All in a months time. One Sunday evening when I was checking myself out in the mirror for signs of muscles like Schwarzenegger, my mother walks in and tells me I better cut down on my eating because I was starting to get a belly. When I noticed what she was talking about, I was the happiest person in the world. I mean... me... fat... how awesome can things get. But I was not very fat. My mom gives such reactions because I have looked like a Jewish kid from the Nazi camp, all my life. But to me all that extra weight was a gift from the gods. My Body Mass Index (BMI) was 20.

Then I came to college.

The monks in Tibet and I have only one thing in common. We eat only one meal per day. Please note that I am not a Tibetan Monk when I am in my grandmother place (Thats how I gained 4 kilos at home).

No. I don’t have an eating disorder.  

Yes. I do get hungry.

No. I do not eat even when I am starving.

Yes. I am afraid of getting stomach ulcer.

No. My mother doesn’t know.

So when some guy goes on a hunger strike and the whole world goes ooh haa about it, I sit and laugh. They make a big fuss about it as if its something hard like walking on fire. I stay without eating all the time. (I am not making fun of Baba Ramdev).

My hostel took away the 4 kilo gift I got from the gods and my BMI is now 17. I am scientifically thin. I am a gluttonous pig and a Tibetian Monk, both at the same time. Now you know how I manage to stay so thin.  

Previous Post - Tech Dummies
.